Moment of inspiration

This is one of those moments of inspiration for me.

Just saw the old Mile Sur Mera Tumhara video (the beautiful music composition in raag bhairavi about national integration) and the “spread the light of freedom” video (the one which had many sports star of those time and used to be shown prominently on DD during 1980’s and early 90’s). First was Mile Sur Mera Tumhara. The way Pt. Bhimsen Joshi and Lata Mangeshkar easily sang those difficult varieties… I started to have goose bumps. Next came the “freedom of light” video. Seeing those sports stars running gracefully with the flame in their hand (with that inspiring background music) made me experience goose bumps part 2. Every graceful step that they took was somehow saying: Yes, we have done something. We have done every possible thing to follow whereever our hearts lead us and we are proud of that!

And then I happened to see some of the Ustad Zakir Hussain photos from my friend’s album. Being a family friend of that friend of mine, Ustadji seemed little more natural and friendlier to me in those captured moments. Whenever I have seen him performing live, I have seen an amazing aura of brilliance (I can not find a perfect word to describe the aura at this moment, so I have to compromise and use “amazing”). Seeing him there, with other great musicians, just pinged something inside me once again. My heart ached for a fraction of a second: That is what I want to be. That’s the level of brilliance I want to reach and yet must remain so polite like that. I should reach that point where I, my musical instrument and the music should be inseparable.

Some years back, in times like these, I used to feel very inspired for some moments. And then reality used to strike me. I am nothing right now. Even the musicians (music being something that has stayed with me throughout my childhood till this date) of my age are way ahead of me. Ok, I am pretty good at what I do, but look at the no. of artists of my age who are far better than me right now!

Now, after especially watching Deconstructing Harry of Woody Allen, I seem to have finally made peace with my demons. I have realized that everybody’s life is balanced. Hedging is not something that exists only in finance, but that’s a reality of life. I may not be that great musician, but I do have many other good/bad things, skills/annoying habits, which keep my life alive.

And even though I am not an outstanding performer at this moment, the above mentioned moments do inspire me these days. I know deep inside me that I have taken every possible effort to keep my music alive inside me. I have taken every honest step to understand it better. I have tried to put an every additional minute of practice just to make it a little better.

And all these thoughts make it all worthwhile! All those times of tough practice when I feel it’s impossible… All those nasty comments I keep getting in social situations… Suddenly all that does not seem to matter anymore. Because now I know, that I am a part of the fraternity of musicians. And no matter what, whenever I will meet a fellow musician – however famous, brilliant, outstanding and what-not he/she might be – I will get that subtle nod of recognition which will say: Hang in there buddy, we are family. You have sincerely devoted some of the precious moments of your life to music and that’s what counts. Right now I may be here and you are there, but you surely are no less of a musician than me!

My idea of happiness

My idea of happiness is forward looking. Let me explain that.

Many people enjoy the moment. When a song is being sung, they enjoy the song. When chicken tandoori is being served at Bade Miyan, they enjoy the chicken… right there, right then. No doubt, I also enjoy the song and the amazingly prepared chicken.

But I feel even happier when I expect happiness to come in forthcoming moments. I get happy in anticipation of happiness rather than the current moment of happiness. (I think that’s like the investment model, where postponement of your current expenditure is explained with the help of possible future returns! :)

Let me elaborate on that. Of course, I enjoy each and every moment of a wonderful Manchester United v/s Arsenal match. (I don’t enjoy Arsenal v/s Man Utd that much! :) But what I enjoy more is that the moments that precede the match.

Imagine this. A Saturday afternoon. The feeling of having the next day entire for yourself. No guest expected at home in evening. No particular plans with friends. Time is ticking. Match is scheduled at 7.30 pm. Its 7.15 now. I have already bought two Bacardi Breezers (one orange and one lime). They are chilling in fridge. I have just ordered one nice pepper chicken sandwich or a stuffed crust pizza. And I am just sitting there in front of TV expecting a good two hours of fun. The pre-match program opens with John Dykes and Steve McMann building up to the match in their signature style!

Agreed, during the match and at the end of the match (especially if United win), I am very happy. I am quite content with the amazing food I just had. But that happiness just might be 30-40% of what I felt at 7.15 pm.

Now I know, that given the possibility of looking at alternative histories at the end of the match, the match could have been very boring, or worse if United had lost! There could have been some seriously pain-in-the-delicate-part phone calls which I couldn’t avoid. There could have been some over-smart family friends(?), who happened to bless our home with their (a**)holy presence. I don’t deny all these possibilities. Still, I get excited every time I expect some nice thing to come! :)

I am really not the kind of person who will necessarily feel happy happy happy at the end of a wonderful event. Yes, I will feel happy if a pretty girl just went on a date with me. And definitely I will feel happy if my guitar guru tells me that I have become a far better guitarist than I was one year back. But those, for me, are very rare moments. Those don’t come too often in my life. (Or if they did, they wouldn’t be so special anymore.)

So here, I value the frequency of happy events rather than magnitude of single individual happiest event. (Mr. Taleb, I beg to differ with you when it comes to this! I can’t remain patient anticipating a super-wonderful Black Swan. :) Life is too short for me to wait for that single happiest moment, I feel. That’s why I derive more happiness from the moments, the moments where the anticipated enjoyment excites me, the moments which might be smaller in terms of the individual happiness magnitude, but together they punch a great deal of joy in my life!

Here I go again...

Here I go again….

Here I go again…

Thinking about the good, the bad and the ugly

About me, myself and where do I stand truly?

Place. My place. What is my place?

Where do I stand in this whole god damn maze?

Sometimes it is a maze. Sometimes it is not.

Sometimes others’ ideas rule me, sometimes I follow my heart.

I watch movies alone, I spend weekends playin’ guitar

I take things little too seriously, yeah, they call me geek.

But I have this small space with my close ones,

Lives of friends in which I am allowed to peek.

I believe I am quite normal young man,

who would like to attract a pretty girl.

Gee, what am I supposed to do,

Or what I am not supposed to do, to impress her.

I like to call myself funny

I crack a really good joke after lot of daring...

But whom am I kidding? while me doing so…

She’s neither listening nor looking…

Yes, then the little boy artist wakes up inside me

who believes he’s either a Tarentino or a Clapton

But flirting with guys and talking superficial stuff

is unfortunately her idea of having fun

I get beaten by loud mouth, self obsessed morons

May be I am not a good marketer, hmm…

But every bit of that frustration seems to fall apart,

When C major follows A minor on that guitar strum

Yes. I am a 24 years old with lots of minors…

… followed by occasional majors

And then there are those wonderful sevenths which add the color

Aah, aren’t those the angels blessing me with a powerful vigor?

"You do good and you will get good..."

Are you freakin’ kiddin’ me, you think I am dumb?

Those angels are demons and those demons are angels

What the hell are those when life is truly random?

Some people don’t want to question certain things

Yes, for that reason I don’t believe in god

But I like festivals, I like candles, I like the poetry that the one brings

And yes, for that reason I like god!

Aah, here I go again…

Here I go again…

….talking girls, music, life and god combined

….obviously the non-fun stuff

You may call it tragedy, I call it destiny

These are the things I unfortunately love!!!

Why...

Why…

Why people do like that?

When they do something else,

But different is their thought?

They say life is a journey,

which should follow your heart

So when it comes to choosing the special one

Why does money come in, tearing your inner voice apart?

Sometimes you find something that you do with passion

But you follow the words that wise men once said

Does it have to be everybody’s aim

To graduate, marry, procreate and be dead?

May be marriage is a beautiful thing

You should spend life with somebody you love

But why can’t someone follow some obscure thread of passion?

Isn’t that a chance the person does deserve?

Aren’t you curious about your own existence?

Why, when, what, where and how?

And they beat you down, break your nose

“These are the rules you must follow!”

In my school I loved the class of science

“Ms. Shaila is a good teacher”; was my notion,

I was curious about the trapped air inside an inverted immersed cup

And I apparently had asked a ridiculous question

One should be as curious as a child

They say…

When the child asks why there must be a god

Why do they shut him up n tell him to just pray?

“Don’t follow that path, that path is bad”

“I tell you my son, doing that thing is not decent!”

But isn’t opinion a matter of personal perception?

Why not let him have his own judgment?

A child is a brand new note book

Alright, discipline is must to turn it in a good novel

But after dropping him to the bus stand

Why not let him go to wherever he wants to travel?

But again, it’s just my opinion

You decide what you want to take

May be it’s a big disaster

An honest fool’s mistake!

Thailand

Thailand

Just read Haruki Murakami’s short story ‘Thailand’. I liked it more than some of his others, quite possibly because I have already got used to his style of writing and his type of stories. But the whole personality of the character Nimit really fascinates me. Like most of his stories that I have read before, Murakami doesn’t say much about Nimit’s past in detail, gives only some loose hints. But when Nimit says: If you spend your entire energy living, you can not die well. Living and dying, in a sense, are of an equal value.

I don’t know how much I agree upon this thought. It has it roots in deep philosophy, I believe. Interpreting such sentence will involve a lot of thought process. But at the same time, as an ordinary person, I think there’s some point in it.

Some people say that one should live life to the fullest. Enjoy every moment of it and try to never regret. I think what Nimit says is somewhat similar to what the above mentioned life-loving people want to say, but in different words. He perhaps means that if you make a conscious effort to live, you might not live your life well, and hence, you may not die well.

About the same thought, there’s the example of polar bear given in the story. Polar bears mate only once a year and rest of the year they never see each other, literally. (I don’t know the facts for sure; the story is to be taken just for the sake of understanding.) And when Nimit asks his employer: Then why do they exist? The employer simply replies by asking: Then tell me, why do we exist?

I think what all that means is that life doesn’t necessarily have to have a meaning. Don’t try to push yourself unnecessarily into each and every detail. It will only harm you from inside and that uneasy feeling will never let you die peacefully. You should live life by accepting and living in harmony with the limitations of life. In that sense living (by accepting the life the way it is) and dying (by ceasing to exist peacefully after a peaceful journey) are of an equal value.